when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
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early stone age tool
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Yup
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?