I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Perfect
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Vodka burrito was a success
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
How much for the goth pool noodles?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.