Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
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“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Realize this:
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography