FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
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Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”