*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
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you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
same energy
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though