My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
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Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow