Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.