No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Hank is one in a melon.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
socratic questions
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre