You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
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Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.