Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I told my vodka about you.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My neck, my back, my…
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
This is what makes twitter great
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast