I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
You Might Also Like
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
There’s only one good girl here!
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before