A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
You Might Also Like
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Well, that didn’t work.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.