“That’s so cool,” she lied.
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Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
kitchen magnet
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Sign at work today
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.