new record!
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I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
According to math, I’m broke
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*