I think this cat is broken
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
me adding lol on a serious message
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife