There is so much going on in this video โฆ I donโt know who to focus on ๐๐๐ hilarious
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
โขlook at it
โขsmell it
โขrub the top
โขfall off it if I stand on it
โขspin the wheels with my fingers
โขsell it
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I just spent ยฃ16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeperโs suit] …oh
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
selfie game
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. ๐
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs ๐
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Caller ID isnโt enough for Me I need to know why youโre calling.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Me: โI peed three times last nightโ
Her: โDonโt you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?โ
Me: โGetting up?โ