My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
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wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Your secret is safeish with me
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty