ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?