I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
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I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.