My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
this is how life feels
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.