Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.