Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
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I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.