You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
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[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*