My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
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Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.