My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
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My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.