When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
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Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that