When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.