Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
You Might Also Like
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media