Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
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I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I know karate and tons of other words.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.