Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
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[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Me when someone tries to get to know me
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”