Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.