*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
You Might Also Like
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
(Musicians.)
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
This was my dad’s browser history.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.