The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
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Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING