My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
You Might Also Like
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem