On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
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ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.