You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
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Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
men are simple creatures