Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
You Might Also Like
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Catercrombie & Fish
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Polite kitties have good etiquecat