I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
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PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
The point of your 20s
This did not end as expected.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I want to meet the individual who made this
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.