911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
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Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
But that’s none of my business
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets