A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
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Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
All. The. Damn. Time.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*