Google reviews are always so mixed..
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Venn
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.