the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
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Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…