Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Weirdly Wednesday.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.