A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
🙋♀️
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
fourth time’s the charm
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.