Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
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I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.