I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
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wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?