the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I am having an out of money experience.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please