If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
The Backseat Boys
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries