Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.