Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”